So Yeah...I'm Sick.

I know I've mentioned health problems on here recently, and I figured it will be easier to explain now than have people wonder. In the last month-ish, I have been diagnosed with POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), Lyme disease, and an infection that came along with Lyme called bibesia. Basically, I'm kinda sick. I got sick, very suddenly, last November (the Sunday before Thanksgiving), and have been tested for dozens of things since then as a succession of doctors tried to figure out what in the world was going on.

Basically, what those diseases mean is that I'm exhausted, nauseous, dizzy, dealing with migraines, generally weak, unable to exercise (or walk or even stand very long), and that I have hearing and vision problems and short-term memory loss. I think that's the basic list of symptoms. They're caused by a variety of things, if my doctors are right, and I'm on a bajillion medications that are supposed to start treating them soon.

It's not fun. I've kind of forgotten what it's like to be healthy. What it means to feel "normal." To be able to stand and worship God in chapel with everyone else, or go kick a soccer ball around. Or even just go to DC or for a walk. So many things I used to take for granted are gone...and a lot of my dreams have been endangered. But God is so good.

In the months I’ve been sick, I’ve responded quite a few different ways…denial for weeks, expecting whatever this was to just go away and refusing to go see a doctor…frustration as doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me (or thought I was basically fine and all this was in my head)…fear when they thought I had cancer…depression after I had to drop out of school and couldn’t figure out what in the world God was doing…and now it’s kind of a mix of things. When I’m thinking clearly, I’m incredibly grateful for everything God has taught me through this, and all the friends who have come around me. It’s been, without a doubt, the hardest experience of my life…but God has shown me so many different things, about myself and about Him, that it could have taken me years to see otherwise.

And I wish I could say I’ve “learned” everything He’s been teaching me. But that’s definitely not true. Sure, I’m not suicidal any more, but I also have grumpy days…and weeks. Like last week, for example. But God keeps sending just the right person into my life to say something, maybe completely unintentionally, and break through my stupidity and show me the truth. It’s amazing how often it happens, actually, through friends, chapel speakers, sermons, even random blogs my friends send to me  =)

Anyway, this post is getting really long…but I was reading Psalms today (I love the Psalms…they’re amazing…) and got to Psalm 13. And it fits so well, so I have to share it. It starts out,

“How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?”

 I don’t know who wrote this psalm, or when exactly, but he’s saying almost exactly the things I’ve said to God (or, more often, to myself) over the past months. But he ends it so differently than I usually do:

 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me."

This isn’t my first response, most of the time…but it should be! God has been so good to me—even though my life in this moment may be harder than it has in the past, or harder than those of others around me, He sent His Son to die for me! He has chosen to love me, despite all my weaknesses and failings. In light of that, a headache really isn’t all that bad…


(and yes, I promise I will find photos to put up in the next post…)